6th Wedding Anniversary

Today, six years ago, My husband and I wed in Veteran's Memorial Park in downtown Westerly, Rhode Island.  It was both of our 2nd marriage so we both very nervous.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  A few of my family members drove up from Alabama to be with us on our special day.  My mom had flown in a few days earlier.  On June 24th, me and my family to a train down to New York City.  That was the first time my family had ever been on a train, first time on a subway and first time in a huge city that is in super lightening speed to get where you need to go.  We took a boat ride out on the harbor.  The skyline of the city was absolutely beautiful.  Then we stopped by the statue of liberty.  She was a marval.  Seeing her standing there only made me that more proud to be an American.  Lastly, we ventured down to the huge clock.  When I say huge, it was huge!

On the day of our wedding, my mom and I went to get our hair and nails done.  My other family members went to park to make sure everything was in order.  My limo showed up to take me.  I had never felt more sick in my life.  I was happy but very, very nervous.  I remember when we got there, the people that was walking on the sidewalk keep staring at our limo.  For fun I cracked my window and put my arm out and waved.  Before I knew it alot of people there.  One guy even came up to the limo.  I should mention our limo driver was retired veteran that served in Vietam so it made it that much more special.  When we stopped my limo driver opened the door and extended his hand to help me out.  My mother was standing beside me.  The driver said, "You're not gonna faint on me now are ya?  You look really pail."  I told him and tried to stay focused.  I really was bout to pass out and even leaned up against my mom.  The park was filled with all those people that, I'm guessing, thought I was famous or something.  My mother walked me down the aisle and she was also my maid of honor.  I love her so much.  Tony was crying his eyeballs out.  When he was saying his vows, he could barely make it through them because he was crying so much.

When it was over we had to pay the justice of the peace.  Not having my head on straight, I forgot the money at home and he was getting kind of rude since he had another ceramony at 6pm.  he shouldn't have booked so close together.  Thankfully, one of my aunts had enough money to pay him.  We had our reception at a local VFW.  We had a blast!

Not only am I proud that I married the best man in the world, I'm also proud of my wedding.  I planned our entire wedding from flowers, to tuxs and wedding gowns to nail and hair to limo to reserving the VFW for my reception hall.  I did everything under $3,500.  Oh and I had professional pictures done.  My gown had about a 3 foot train on it.  It was absolutely stunning and the most expensive of everything.  My flowers I ordered off ebay.  This lady made beautiful arrangements with fake flowers.  You wouldn't know they were fake unless you were inspecting them.  My whole theme was red, white and blue.  All military attending wore their uniforms including my husband.

Besides the birth of our three children, June 25, 2004 was one of the best days of my life.  I'm honored to be married to such a wonderful and caring man.  No matter the storms that have came into our lives he was there holding my hand tight and we fought through together.  It is a constant reminder when he is there taking care of me in my time of illness.  He is the love of my life and I'm truly blessed!  To many more to come...

CPS

I had stopped cleaning my kitchen floor as I was headed to get my broom from the hall closet.  The door bell rings.  I can see out the door as there is a yellow ford mustang sitting in my driveway.  I go down the stairs, open the door and the lady says, "You must be Tisha."  Not knowing who this person was or how she knew my name, she then continues, "I'm a CPS worker and here to investigate a case."

I welcome the lady into my home.  I let her know I had to go wake my husband up as he was napping.  They sit down at the table to discuss things.  I just couldn't sit.  My body had done went into defensive, flight mode.  The only thing that keep flashing in my mind was "No one is taken my babies". 

Apparently, Matthew told the CPS worker that he got 500, yes, FIVE HUNDRED, spankings in ONE night.  Are you kidding me?  I have not received that many in a lifetime!  She started asking if we have had drug problems or mental health issues.  I almost wanted to say, "Yeah, because that child's absurb behavior is driving me insane!"  Then she wanted numbers to people that have seen me and my husband with our children.  There is not a single person that knows me, that has a single bad thing to say about me because they all know with 100% that I would literally lay my life down for my children and my children are nothing but spoiled rotten.  I can only image my mom talking to that lady as she will prolly start crying.

There are alot of things in my life that I am not proud of or I could of done better.  Becoming a mother has been the best thing to happen in my life.  Everything I do, I do it for my children.  You mess with my cubs, I will maul you.  You approach my children with dignity and respect, then I just might let you have the privilage to know them.

The case is being closed.

Relapse

I have entered into another relapse.  It is taking everything I have just to focus and take care of my daughters.  I can't stop going to bathroom and I'm puking.  I've lost 10lbs in 2 days.  I feel like my throat is on fire because of the acid.  I can't eat anything because anything I eat, 30min to an hour later, it comes back up.  I took my Humira on Monday and no changes.  I can't be sick.  I have 4 kids and a husband that depend on me.  Tony doesn't have any days left that he can take off or else he would.  I think I am gonna have to go to the ER.  Moments like this is when I ask my self why me?  Moments like this is when I give myself pity.  Moments like these is when I want to give up.  Moments like this is when God picks me up and carries me through.

Dog & Boy

Good news.  We found Rayzak a farm to live on.  He will have plenty of space to roam and the owners who are my neighbors parents, are active and do alot of hiking, biking, etc.  I'm happy I was able to find him this home so he will get the attention and exercise he needs.  I cried after he left.  My husband isn't a animal person and he just doesn't understand.  We have had to give up 5 cats because Bella is allergic to them, 1 cat ran away, we had to return a black lab we adopted because he would dig holes, get of the fence and run onto a highway behind our house (this was in Alabama).  I think it's more I feel like a failure to these animals and my husband just doesn't understand that.

Matthew spent the night at a friends house for the kids birthday party.  I have to say yesterday was one of the most peaceful day/nights I have had since leaving in Washington.  There was no fighting, no screaming and no hearing Matthew complain about everything under the sun.  But it all comes to an end in 2 hours when Matthew returns home.  I better enjoy it while it last.  I'll just stay busy doing yard work.

RESEARCH PAPER!

After going back and reviewing my paper, it was so off.  A few things did not go in order and I dwifted to talking about things seperately from my topic.  So now I'm having to go back and adjust everything I have already done.  Take out, put things in, add more references..... /sigh 

I got another research paper next week for my AP I class and I haven't even started that one.  Ugh.

Overflowing Stress

Stress really isn't good for someone with stomach ulcers, but there is alot of that these days in my life.  I have so much going on and so much to do that I don't know which way to turn my head.  I got to find a new home for our German Shepherd.  That won't be easy as needs alot of training but is very willing to learn as he knows a few things like sitting and playing fetch.  He is also good with young children.  He actually walks in circles around my 1 year old if someone is near her and if she adventures into our yard, he follows her every move.  We have just failed to get him his shots and he needs to be fixed.  And the destruction he has made that I have mentioned, is only my fault because he does that out of a lack of exercise and being stimulated.

We are suppose to be moving back to Alabama end of this month but looks like that won't happen until mid July.  My husband has put in many applications for a job down south but nothing yet.  Not to mention the money we have to save with is about $5,000 for a cross country move.

Then there is Matthew and his mental problems.  Before it was just bitching about anything.  Now that the social worker has him on a point system for him to earn points to do the things he wants, he now argues over the points.  If it wasn't for me, they wouldn't be going to therapy.  There comes a point in time when you have to say enough is enough and that is exactly what I did with my husband.  Go to therapy with Matthew or I walk with our 3 children.  I don't like the example Matthew is leaving behind for my other children in which I have to combat with.  Knowing my husband, I knew he would go because he loves me way too much to ignore my demands.

Somewhere between all that mess is my school work.  I've been very disappointed in myself these last few weeks because I have been slacking in my school work.  Especially in my AP I class.  I'm still making an A so I guess that is still good.  The husband started school and I'm having to help him with his algebra.  I'm having to get all my paperwork sent to Rasmussen.  I lost my taxes so now I'm dealing with the IRS to get a copy.

I keep telling myself that God will not give me more than I can handle but when will I get my break???  My life has been nothing but a big stressor since 2005.  I need a break.  Oh did I mention I need knew hearing aids because mine are 5 years old.  Since my husband is retired Navy, the military does not pay for them.  Each one of my hearing aids was $2,500 bucks.  My audiologist said the cheapest way was to find a hearing place that works with siemens hearing aids to see if they can "twink" them.  /sigh

My Little Girl's 3rd Birthday

Three years ago today at 10:36pm I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl weighing 5lb 15oz and 18 inches long.  She was a spitting image of her father and too this day she still is.  Out of all my children she is a free soul.  She takes in everything around her and not letting anything slip by.  However, she has her mother's temper and will show her bad side if she needs too.  Seeing the world through her eyes, there is nothing but love for everything. (except spiders...they freak her out)  She has been an absolute joy in my life and I'm very blessed that God has given her to me to raise.  I don't know where my life would be without her.

Today for her birthday, we celebrated with her favorite, McDonalds, which, she didn't eat being all excited.  She got new clothes, coloring books, ABC books, and the one thing she asked for....A Bike.  Her face lite up like the fourth of July when she saw it.  That's something I will never forget.

It has been a wonderful day.  I'm so happy I was able to get her what she asked for.  Seeing her smile is priceless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PfST5Wa-uE

Pics to come.

46th Birthday

Today, is my daddy's 46th birthday!  It sucks being so far away.  I'm sure all he wished for was to have his grandbabies home.  We will be back home soon!  Alabama here we come!

Proud Parent

I am now a proud parent of a preschool graduate!!  I am so proud of my son!!  I am so blessed that I was blessed with such a wonderful boy and thank God everyday that he let Aiden be with me.  It has been amazing watching my son transform into this young boy.  From writing his name, to drawing a picture of his family to learning Spanish. 

I provided baby pictures of my son a few weeks ago.  I didn't know what they were going to be doing with them but today I found out.  All the kids baby pictures were posted on the wall with "Look how much we have grown".  I had to fight back the tears.  He truly has come so very far and had to overcome more obstacles than any of those kids.

After the kids singing the parents a few songs in Spanish, they went around to each kid and the kid got to tell us what they wanted to be when they grow up.  A few wanted to be princess', a couple boys wanted to be batman & spiderman, but when Aiden was asked what he wanted to be he said, "I'm going to be a policeman so I can chase after the bad guys in really fast cars and put them in jail."  I hope I'm blessed to be here long enough to see if that is where he ends up.  I am so proud of my son and I love him dearly.  I hope all his dreams come true!

Parrot

I may be getting a parrot.  There is a guy at Tony's work that is finding his a new home because he is movin to PA for a new job and to be with his girlfriend.  Tony suppose to be finding out how much he wants for it.  That is one thing I have never owned in my life, a bird.  I can just vision it now..we get the parrot and it bust out with some Dora the Explorer song, "I'm the map. I'm the map.  His the map.  I'M THE MAP!!"

Cry or Angry

For starters, Arabella had her GI appt.  It has been ruled that she is lactose intolerate.  I was actually praised for the decisions I had been making for my daughter regarding her health.  I guess with her being my third, I do have alittle experience under my belt.

(Matthew had emergency appt with the looney doctor at 9am at the Naval Hospital as well)

In the next breath, my husband said, "We need to talk."  He never says that unless it is serious.  It couldn't wait so I asked.  Apparently, Matthew told the doctor that his father beat him and left bruises.  There is not a single bruise on that boy and if there is he did it himself especially after his 'clawing himself episode' because his daddy told him he couldn't go to his friends.  They are filing a report about it and the doctor said that nothing would prolly come of it because they are getting therapy.  The thing is when we lived in Alabama my son snuck out of the house while I was doing dishes.  My daughter was 6 months old at the time and I was 13 weeks pregnant with Bella.  It ended with me calling 9-1-1 and a very sweet man, who I say was his Aiden's guardian angel, picked him up on the side of the road and took him to the police station.  Its emotional even thinking about it again.  But CPS was called.  Interviews were done and inspection of our home was done.  It was found to be accidental and we had complied with adding new locks to our doors. We are on the books with CPS for 5 years.  I have nothing to hide but I don't want them coming to my home because of Matthew and his lies.  So I let Tony know, while standing in front of Matthew, that he could go backup stairs and tell that looney doctor if this crap is going to CPS, I will drain the bank account and me and my babies will leave without anyone know where I'm going.

I am seek of his drama affecting me and my kids.  If the truth was to be known, I want Matthew to leave my home.  I don't want him here anymore.  I know my mother tells me that when I married my husband, I accepted his son; I did not sign up to be put through hell.  Do I cry or just be angry?  The bad thing with me though, it takes me a LONG time to forgive and NEVER do I forget.  Things will never be the same.